Happy/excited.
I'm having a Latin class right now. >.> I can't study until I know where I start though, so it's all right. We're going to our aunt's cabin pretty soon after the lesson...it's so nice there...so much cooler and just more relaxing. We're going to be bringing our PS2 this time, not the semi-broken one they have up there.
One of the reasons I like it there is that my dad isn't there...it's just like I can't be comfortable when he's around. It's not that I don't love him, I do...but we don't really have any sort of relationship. We don't really do anything fun, or if we do it feels like I'm not doing it because I want to. And I don't have fun because I'm with him, which to me is a big part of what any relationship should be. You should be able to have fun doing nothing, because you like the person so much it doesn't matter what you're doing. I feel guilty feeling like this about him...but it's just like he's...boring. There's nothing there, nothing that makes me want to do anything or spend time with him. Maybe it's just that we never did anything together when I was younger, and the fact that he's trying now that I'm an adult just feels...too late. I don't even know if I want a relationship with him anymore, or what kind of relationship we could even have. We're similar in some ways, and I look very very similar to him, but we have none of the same interests. I think of him as a piece of furniture in the house, just...there. Anything I do with him, I'd rather do with mom, or my brother, or anyone else...I think I resent him for never spending time with me, talking with me, doing ANY thing with me when I was a kid.
I sort of feel guilty for how I view him, how I feel for him, but I'm glad I at least got it off my chest. Thank you for listening, readers.
Andrew
Thoughtful
1 comment:
I believe that how you feel about something, your attitude (so to speak), is a completely conscious choice. Alyssa chooses, consciously, to dislike Latin, Math, and homework in general. I choose, consciously, to dislike practicing my violin. I believe that with some effort, I could make my practices much more interesting and I would enjoy them. Why I don't I have no idea. Perhaps I enjoy disliking it.
I once went to a leadership camp. On the list that they gave everyone of things to bring to this camp, was the entry "A positive attitude." I took this to heart, and decided that I was going to go to this thing, and enjoy myself. I was scared but I decided I was going to have fun, and I did.
My Mom tells a story about a person she worked with in the Navy. She talks about how she disliked this person for seemingly no reason. She realized later that it was entirely her own doing. She chose to dislike this person and could have decided to like this person instead if she wanted to.
My point it that perhaps you need to find something in common other than appearance with your dad; something fun that you could enjoy together. I understand that maybe you don't want to find this thing though. Maybe you don't want to find something in common, and that's OK as long as you're aware of it.
You say he is boring, but have you really tried to be interested? Do you even want to?
My purpose is not to make you change the way you are going about anything, merely the way you are thinking about it. Be as conscious as possible of the choices you make that can affect the rest of your life.
Post a Comment